Recently, I was addicted to CafeMom’s Trying to Conceive group. When I first joined the group last year, at least once a week someone announced they are done with the group (because they haven’t received the support they would like from the members), they would ask whether all their symptoms (EVERY symptom) add up to pregnancy, and most important – they would convince me with every post I was pregnant. I just HAD to read these posts.

I’ll admit that when I first joined the group, I was like most of them. I had just had my Mirena IUD removed and was ready to start baby-making. Well, not quite that ready. Not after the face to face conversation with my wonderful OB that delivered Little Monkey via c-section. He looked me square in the face and said you realize you can be pregnant by your next cycle, then my mouth dropped. You see I had prepared myself for this thought in theory, but Little Monkey had just turned two years old two months before my appointment. Was I really ready? No, but for me I can psych myself out of anything if I think about it too hard. So I stared back at my OB for what felt like forever (but was probably all of 30 seconds) and through my fake smile I said “Yes. I am ready.” Big. Fat. Lie. I joined the Trying to Conceive group for support. I found myself in the group lurking. Reading posts but not ever replying. I spent my time thinking about getting pregnant. I checked my best times for conceiving. I swore every symptom meant I was pregnant. I was on the wave of ups and downs like the rest of these ladies after each negative home pregnancy test. And then there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I stayed with my parents while my hubby went out of town for two months. There was no obsessing. I left the group while I was at my parents’ house. I did some reflecting.

I realized that even though we are struggling through a Secondary Infertility, is not the end of the world.  Secondary infertility is the inability to conceive a deliver a child after already having delivered one or more children. I was blessed to be able to have Little Monkey. It is hard at times to talk to people about it. It usually starts with “So when are you going to give Little Monkey a brother or sister?” And then I say “We have been trying now for (insert however many) months.” Dead silence. Awkward. I try my hardest to avoid this conversation. There is just no fun way to explain why we haven’t been able to conceive another child in eighteen months.

About six months after I left, I was ready to rejoin the CafeMom Trying to Conceive group. I was able to be a member who could be a cheerleader, a resource, offer guidance or condolences. I am no longer wanting to cry when I read someone’s post about their pregnancy. I can be happy. And being happy is whole lot freeing than being upset or even obsessed. I am enjoying the ride.